Grieving Who I Was Told to Be: A Journey Through Eating Disorder Recovery

This blog was inspired by a recent clinical consultation group experience I

had the honor of participating in. As we discussed the complexities of

eating disorder recovery and body image, the concept of “grieving who I

was told to be” emerged as a crucial theme. This insight resonated deeply

with me, and I’m grateful to explore it further here.

The Pressure to Be Someone Else

We live in a culture saturated with messages about how we should look.

Social media feeds overflow with ads for weight loss programs, trendy

diets, fitness routines, and even medications promising transformation. The

unspoken message behind these posts? You are not enough as you are.

You need to change to be worthy.

Beyond societal pressures, these expectations often originate from the

smaller societies we are born into—our families. Family dynamics can

deeply influence how we relate to food, emotions, and our bodies. A parent or

family member may model chronic dieting, make derogatory comments

about their own body or others, or perpetuate fat-shaming behaviors.

These influences, combined with cultural ideals, can create an “ideal”

version of ourselves—one that feels necessary to pursue to be accepted

and valued.

However, recovery from an eating disorder requires more than just physical

healing. It demands emotional work, including the grief of letting go—letting

go of the eating disorder and, just as importantly, the person we thought we

had to be.

Grieving the “Ideal” Body

In recovery, grieving the loss of the “ideal” self can bring up powerful

emotions—sadness, anger, relief, and eventually, acceptance. This process

is especially difficult when the ideal body you believed you needed is tied to

family or societal expectations. Whether it’s striving to meet an unrealistic

size, shape, or lifestyle, holding on to those ideals only fuels the eating

disorder and makes it harder to embrace your true self.

Letting go means acknowledging the toll that striving for perfection has

taken on your mental and physical health. It involves recognizing that the

ideal you were chasing was always unattainable and harmful. Mourning this

false ideal allows space to reclaim your life and redefine your sense of

worth.

Cultivating Self-Compassion Along the Way

The journey of self-acceptance is messy, imperfect, and often

uncomfortable. It requires discovering who you are beneath the layers of

societal and familial programming. Cultivating self-compassion during this

process is essential. Here are a few ways to begin:

• Practice Mindful Awareness: When negative self-talk or difficult

emotions arise, notice them without judgment. Acknowledge: “This is hard

right now,” and give yourself permission to feel without criticism.

• Use Positive Affirmations: Create simple, soothing phrases such as

“I am enough” or “I am worthy of kindness.” Repeat them throughout the

day to help shift your mindset.

• Set Boundaries with Negative Influences: Identify situations, people,

or habits that fuel self-criticism, and set boundaries where you can. This

might mean limiting social media, unfollowing triggering accounts, or

spending less time around people who body-shame. Surround yourself with

those who encourage self-acceptance.

Self-compassion, like any other skill, requires practice, patience, and

consistency. It won’t feel natural at first, but over time it becomes easier to

respond to yourself with kindness.

Shifting from Body Image to Embodiment

While improving body image can play a role in recovery, focusing on

embodiment may offer an even deeper path to healing.

• Improved Body Image involves seeing your body as worthy of

care and respect, even if it doesn’t meet societal ideals. It fosters self-

acceptance, reduces emotional distress, and encourages healthier

behaviors. Improved body image also helps challenge unrealistic beauty

standards by cultivating critical awareness of media messages.

• Embodiment, however, shifts the focus from how your body

looks to how it feels and functions. It invites you to reconnect with your

body as a lived experience rather than an object to be judged. This means

paying attention to signals like hunger, fullness, and emotional cues.

Embodiment fosters a more intuitive relationship with food and movement,

helping you respond to your body’s needs and emotional triggers with care

and presence.

Focusing on embodiment offers a sustainable path forward—one that

promotes self-acceptance and allows recovery to move beyond aesthetics.

It teaches you to trust your body’s wisdom and to honor it, not for how it

looks but for how it supports you in life.

Finding Freedom in Authenticity

Grieving who you were told to be is a natural and necessary part of healing.

Living authentically—free from the expectations imposed by family, society,

or your own inner critic—can feel both terrifying and liberating. But it’s also

the most sustainable way to exist in the world.

I invite you to reflect: How could living as your real self bring more freedom,

peace, and joy to your relationships, work, and overall well-being?

The journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. You are more than the ideals

imposed upon you, and you are deserving of care, respect, and

acceptance—exactly as you are.