When we talk about grief, we often think about losing a loved one, a pet, a relationship or
even a job. But grief can extend beyond these traditional definitions to encompass
something less tangible yet deeply intertwined with our identities: our relationship with food
and our bodies. For those who have lived with an eating disorder, saying goodbye to that
part of themselves can feel like losing a lifelong companion—albeit a toxic one. It’s
important that whether recovering from an eating disorder or supporting someone in their
journey that we understand the complex emotions surrounding the grief that comes along
with letting go of an eating disorder.
First, it’s important that we understand the relationship a person has with their eating
disorder and acknowledge the various nuances that surround that particular entanglement.
For many, an eating disorder isn't just a set of behaviors; it becomes a way of life. It can
serve as a coping mechanism, a shield against emotional pain, and a sense of control in a
chaotic world. It's no surprise that the thought of recovering from an eating disorder often evokes a profound sense of fear. What will life look like without it? Who will you be without the rigid rules, the safety nets of restriction, bingeing, purging, or over-exercising?
In many ways, an eating disorder becomes like a dysfunctional friend—reliable in its destruction, but always there. The patterns, though harmful, are familiar and provide a
twisted sense of comfort. Letting go means facing life without that constant companion,
which can trigger a deep sense of loss. It’s also important to acknowledge that the longer
someone has struggled with an eating disorder, the harder it can be to let go and often, the
more challenging the loss.
Grief is a natural response to loss and losing an eating disorder is no different. It might sound odd to grieve something that has caused so much pain and suffering, but it’s important to acknowledge that an eating disorder, despite its destructive nature, played a significant role in your life. It’s okay to feel conflicted, to feel both relief and sorrow, and to miss the predictability and the illusion of control that the eating disorder provided.
In Megan Devin’s book, It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok, she challenges the cultural assumptions that grief follows a linear path and that at some stage, we should “move on.” Although her book focuses primarily on loss associated with death, she acknowledges that loss extends beyond this and she recognizes grief as an ongoing complex process that requires compassion.
She references Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief and how Ross later regretted the way she
outlined the stages because it implied a universal and linear process leaving people to feel
that they may be grieving incorrectly. Devine explains “her stages were meant to normalize
and validate what someone might experience in the swirl of insanity that is loss and grief.
They were meant to give comfort, not create a cage.”
For the purpose of this blog, the stages of grief are used as they pertain to eating disorder
recovery and loss. It is important to remember that these stages are meant to validate one’s
experience and like loss of any kind, the process is not universal or linear.
1. Denial: "I don't really need to recover. Maybe my eating habits aren't that bad." “Everyone is overreacting.” The first step in grief often involves denying the problem or downplaying its significance. In the context of recovery, denial may come in the form of doubting whether recovery is necessary or whether it's even possible.
2. Anger: "Why do I have to give this up? Life feels unbearable without it." As reality sets in, feelings of anger may emerge. This stage can manifest as resentment toward the recovery process, those trying to offer support or frustration over the loss of what the eating disorder once provided—a sense of control, safety, or numbness.
3. Bargaining: "Maybe I can still hold on to some of the behaviors, just not as extreme." Bargaining involves making deals with oneself to retain some aspects of the eating disorder. This is a tricky stage because it can prolong the recovery process by clinging to remnants of the disorder. A common statement I hear is, “I want to recovery from the dysfunction my eating disorder causes, but I don’t want my body to change.” Or “ I don’t want to be self destructive in my eating disorder but I want to lose weight.”
4. Depression: "Who am I without my eating disorder? I feel lost and empty." When you realize that the eating disorder is no longer a viable option, a deep sadness may follow. This stage is marked by a sense of emptiness and loss of identity, as you grapple with the void left behind.
5. Acceptance: "I can learn to live without my eating disorder. I can redefine who I am." Acceptance doesn’t mean that the grief is over or that the journey is complete, but it marks the beginning of embracing a life free from the grips of disordered eating.
Grieving the loss of an eating disorder is not a linear process and it is unique to each person
going through it. There will be days when you feel at peace with your decision to recover
and days when you yearn for the false sense of comfort it once provided. At times it may
feel like an internal tug of war. It's important to validate these feelings and recognize that
they are a natural part of the healing journey.
Instead of viewing this grief as a step backward, consider it a step toward finding meaning in
recovery. It is so important to honor your grief and for that to be acknowledged and
processed with your treatment team. Your eating disorder has served a purpose. However,
without the eating disorder, there is room for new things—new relationships, new passions,
and a new, more authentic version of yourself. It’s understandable that this feels uncertain
and scary and replacing the eating disorder's role with self-compassion, connection, and
healthy coping strategies can feel like a monumental task, but it is possible and worth every
step.
Grief is a testament to the bond that once existed, no matter how damaging it was. It's a
reminder of where you've been and a sign of how far you've come. Honoring your journey means giving yourself the grace to feel the full spectrum of emotions—anger, sadness, relief, and even fear—without judgment.
Recovery is not about erasing the past; it's about building a future where you no longer
need the eating disorder to cope, survive, or define who you are. It’s about finding a way to
honor the grief while still moving forward, one step at a time.
Grieving the loss of an eating disorder is a deeply personal and often misunderstood
experience. It's a necessary part of the recovery process that allows you to let go of what was, to make space for what could be. It’s okay to feel the loss, but remember, beyond that grief is a life of freedom, health, and self-acceptance waiting to be embraced. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t forget to hope.
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